I’ve used the term Emotional Rollercoaster many many times to describe my life. Now that I am in contact with fellow BPD suffers (albeit virtually) I am more aware how bumpy that ride is.
I think there’s a misconception that is you suffer with Bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder you’re either really happy or really safe. As much as I hate the new name of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder it does reflect better on what living with this condition is like.
I feel emotions so extremely and more often that not, do not know how to manage these emotions.
Guilt and Pity, probably my least favourite emotions. I suffer these most when I am out in the real world (public places). So I’m walking to town and see a blind man walking on the other side of the pavement. I am assuming he is blind as he is using a white stick yet keeps stumbling off the kerb into the road. There’s something about his appearance that scares me, unkept and drunk. So I keep walking. Within a few minutes I’m back to the safety of my home. I keep thinking of the man I saw. What if he wasn’t drunk? What if he genuinely needed help, why did he keep falling in the road, it was a wide pavement, why doesn’t the white stick help him to stay away from the kerb. He looked unkept, what if he had nobody to help, nobody to help care for him, keep him clean and fed and most importantly just care? I’m now in floods of tears. I cannot cope with the fact I ignored him, I didn’t cross the street to offer my help. I thought only of myself and my fear of drunk people or strange men. The guilt and pity consumes me.
Anger, my most frustrating emotion. This is new to me, I’ve always been so laid back and calm. Feeling angry only started about a year ago and now I seem to flip at the smallest things. This emotion normally manifests when I’m driving. I’m aware some people suffer road rage, I had never understood it before. When I’m driving and I give way to oncoming traffic and they do not thank me; all hell breaks lose. I’d like to reassure you it’s only in my head, I’ve never reacted physically or verbally. The anger starts to brew and in my head I am arguing with them, screaming at them to learn some gratitude or common courtesy. The anger boils as I realise they have got away scott free, in my mind I’m turning my car around, chasing them and crashing into the side of their vehicle. I’ll show them what happens when you take me for granted. My whole body is tense and within minutes I have an excruciating tension headache.
When I see a person of old age alone, maybe shopping in a supermarket or worse, sitting in a coffee shop; my heart feels like it is being crushed. My head tells me they’re fine and chose to be there alone. But my heart knows that they have no family, no friends and are incredibly lonely. I feel their vulnerability and sadness and I start to cry.
Jealousy; I seem to have lost my ability to feel genuinely happy for loved ones. When a close friend called, ecstatic that after two years of trying she has conceived; my voice tells her how over the moon I am for her. My head says how unfair it is that I cannot have a baby, I start obsessing with how I can conceive too. Someone posts on social media that they’re partner bought them flowers. I suddenly hate them for being happy and in love. Why can’t I find a man to truly love me and buy me flowers for no other reason than love. A family member is celebrating a promotion at work. It’s not fair I think to myself. You just go from success to success whilst my biggest achievement most days is surviving. I have lost my kind heart. On the outside I can don the mask and convince the world how happy I am for them. In my head I hate everyone of them for having the ability to enjoy life.
These examples I have given happen multiple times a day. I constantly swing between extreme emotions. Anything and everything I experience and see effects me. I know that emotions affect everybody, it’s part of being human.
It’s so incredibly draining to feel everything so deeply and with every waking moment.