Even typing that title incites anger! Literally makes my blood boil. I mean who truly believes that suicide is selfish? I’ll tell you who… people that have no lived experience and quite frankly no clue what life is like for us.
I live my life for my children – fact!! Despite whatever mood I may be in, I find the energy to put on a smile for them, make sure they’re clean, fed and happy. When a simple smile from someone could reduce me to floods of tears or someone not smiling instantly makes me feel worthless and useless, I still stand outside school to pick up my son surrounded by other parents. When all I want to do is bury myself in bed, I still take them out so they can enjoy life. I have amazing grounded children who are oblivious to the battles that day to day life brings. Is that selfish?
When friends feel low, need to vent or fancy some company, I am always there. I listen to their worries and problems and try to make them feel better about themselves. The whole time I want to scream at them that I’m suffering too. But I don’t, because they need me. Is that selfish?
I daren’t admit to family how I’m feeling, especially when I’m suicidal because I don’t want them to worry. Everyone has their own life and responsibilities to cope with, they couldn’t handle mine. Is that selfish?
When I’m manic and my impulsive behaviour is out of control. I find myself in trouble but I don’t call for help. It’s nobody’s problem but mine. Is that selfish?
So when the time comes that I simply cannot do this anymore don’t say I acted selfishly. Look back over all the years and realise how selfless I’ve actually been!