Last 48 Hours

I had to share this here as there’s not a lot of people I can tell this to…

So I’m in a pretty bad, dark place. I’m swinging between psychotic and suicidal. Old habits kick in and I instantly resort to what validates me. Only for the first time, I think ever, I have no man in sight. No back up man and no go-to man. Literally nobody to call on for sex.

This is a first for me so I start googling “hook up” websites. I join some random site with the hope I’ll find someone to have sex with pretty much there and then. It was an eye opener. 70% of the profiles don’t have a picture. No, as desperate as I am, I would like an idea if this proposed next shag is even slightly attractive. Of the 30% that do have a picture, 90% of them are simply put… dick pics! Again no idea what the man attached to said penis, looks like. I then find a profile, man with picture of face only 4 miles away.. and he’s online. Jackpot. I message him ask if he’s free later today. He is, meet up booked.

I’m beyond ecstatic! I jump in the shower (suddenly realising I’ve been so depressed that I’ve forgotten to wash for a few days) get some make up on, do my hair and get dressed (ensuring major cleavage is on show). 

He wants to meet in a public place. Probably to make sure I’m not some freak! Which clearly I am, it’s just not easily visible. I stand there waiting with my bright red lipstick and far too much boob on show. Cars are driving by and I feel like everyone is staring at me. A few families walk by with young children. I starting feeling uneasy and sick. I reassure myself that these families and children do not know why I’m standing there. They don’t know I’m waiting for a total stranger I messaged online offering sex! It doesn’t feel good though. I stand there for 15 minutes, he doesn’t show. I walk home feeling like shit. It comes to something when you can’t just give yourself away. What have I become?

I get home, he messages me saying sorry he’s late but he’s on his way. Too late I say… he begs me to give him a second chance. This is good, I feel needed again. 

I meet him and he’s actually really sexy looking. We make small talk, I bring him home and we shag! I feel like me again. He wants to talk some more but I ask him to leave. All power to me right? Or not because then I message him again, ask him back the next day. 

Next day he turns up, we have amazing passionate sex. I’m on fire now, I’m back, I’m validated and worthy. We get to chatting, I decide he’s actually quite nice. He then drops the bombshell….

He’s just been released from prison after serving a 22 year sentence. He’s killed someone, albeit not on purpose. 

Realisation hits me… I have a convicted murderer laying naked next to me in my own home! That is probably classed as risky behaviour on my part. For a minute I felt scared, then I realised that I actually don’t care. The mania has kicked in and this was quite an achievement for me as dangerous impulsive behaviour goes! 

You’d think after all I’d that I’d let it go. But no. I’ve somehow become attracted to this man, the person who I was only supposed to fuck and forget. I message him, ask if he wants to meet up sometime in the future. He says yes… but only for sex… he does not want a relationship. I’m instantly rejected, worthless and unlovable again, 

How does that work? I purely wanted sex. I got it. Managed to pick a convicted killer. Then got surprised when he only wants sex despite the fact I found him on a hook up app. 

Seriously you couldn’t make this shit up! Welcome to my world.

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