I absolutely use sex to validate myself. I am very aware I do it and I don’t particularly like the fact that I do. I can’t help but wonder why though. I have 2 theories;
Being sexually abused as a teenager has impacted on my entire life. Almost every man I’ve slept with since has had sex with me being completely detached. I have always believed sex was expected from me, it’s just what I have to do and ensuring the man is pleasured and satisfied is all it has been about. I’ve slept with far too many men, the majority of them I’ve not been attracted to, they are nice to me which in my mind means I must thank them with sex. That’s what I’m here for right? I’m an expert at switching off my mind and emotions during the physical act of sex, whilst ensuring I’m making the right noises so they don’t know that I’m really somewhere else. I’ve spent most of my life believing that my main purpose in life is to pleasure men, if I ever feel unworthy or like I’m underachieving, sex is the answer. It reinstates my purpose.
My other theory kind of contradicts that though. I’ve never had a problem finding men. Apologies if this sounds big headed (refer to my blog post Grandiosity) I don’t have the self confidence normally but I do know I have a bit of a power when it comes to men. My dad told me from a fairly young age that I had this power and to use it wisely, try not to break too many hearts. Because I know I can sleep with almost any man I want to, it just seems easy to use sex to validate myself. If I’m feeling low, hurt, rejected, overweight or ugly then surely having a man turned on by you makes it better? Do you know what? Even as I’m writing this it sounds strange to me. But I know I do it. Few weeks ago at the start of the end of the married man relationship I felt so rejected and unloved. How did I cope? I text a man who had been chasing me for 18 months. By the next evening I was sat at his eating a dinner he’d cooked for me followed by passionate sex for dessert. For a moment I felt validated and whole again, then I felt sick that I felt the need to do it. I actually cried during sex, miraculously without him noticing. Another Oscar winning moment of mine.
Now that it has become crystal clear to me how I use sex, although still not completely sure why, I am determined to break this habit. I am starting to value myself more and love me for me. Mental illness and all. I want more from life and maybe even a real relationship. I can’t imagine being able to say no to sex, but I’m determined to get there!